Diary exert: Letter to 15 year old me.

Dear older me,    

     Maybe in 20 years, you will come back here again and meet the younger you.  Maybe you will forget, but it doesn't matter, since life will always go on.  
     As you worked your way through your studies, you have procrastinated, cried, cursed, and hated yourself.  There were also times when you felt you were the smartest person in the world.  And did you notice how I said "through your studies" instead "through your life"?  That was the type of girl you were.  Grades were the world.  All you cared about was getting into an elite university.  You wanted a bright future: you wanted to be rich, to be respected, to live a luxurious life.  Thus, you never cared about knowledge.  Or anything, other than getting good grades.  You would've done anything to get what you wanted.  You were superficial, yet you didn't like to act in front of teachers.  You liked brands, you manipulated parts of your body you didn't like; but you never acted in front of a teacher. You didn't pretend to be interested in something that you weren't interested in.  When you were interested in something, you would do your own research.  You didn't ask a ton of useless questions to try to express your interest.  When you wanted to know something, you asked one, straight to the point, question.  You hated little tricks and curves, you just wanted a clean strike through.  Whatever the difficulty was, you always managed to get past it.  Although you tend to have mood swings and fell sick often after or even during an intense project.  Despite all that you were still a mentally strong girl.  You hated to let people see you cry.  You only cried in front of them when you wanted them to see.  You didn't like to show true emotions.  Yet you shared tons of your secrets with friends.  But you lied about your emotions.
      You love coach bags, but you loved your mother more.  You went to a sample sale and spent 180 dollars on a coach bag with no permission; because you knew it was hard to find that sort of a deal.  Though you loved the bag, you gave it to your mother, just so you can see her smile.  You knew she longed for an expensive bag, but she never liked to spend so much money on herself.  But she would've spent twice as much on you without hesitation.  You understood how hard your dad worked to keep the family alive.  He was like a protective bubble wrap.  He was someone who thinks a 150 dollar coat is to expensive to wear on normal occasions when you wore Lululemon pants to the gym.  He was someone who started saving money for your university tuition fee ever since you were 5.  That is how much confidence your parents had in you.  Something you only truly realized while writing this today.
      Furthermore, you were someone who appreciated you family and friends who supported throughout your 15 years of rocky mountain hiking.  You cared about them more then anything, but you never liked to say things like "I really appreciate your company" or even "I love you" with a serious tone.  Maybe you thought words were cheap.  But actions aren't enough to show your appreciation anymore.  Therefore, you will write it here: in this private little corner of your world.  



To all of those who have supported me and spent time with me and made me laugh and helped me get past the roughest edges:  I love you and you will always have a place in my heart, forever.